Friday, December 14, 2007

A Bit on Loss

There have been a lot of tears in my life recently. They started in August, around the time that I registered for therapy and received a series of nasty letters from my parents. My therapist suggested that this is the grieving period for the girl that I was raised and the boy that was suppressed. It's odd to take advise from someone who's diagnosing me with a condition I refuse to recognize. But her suggestion makes sense. I sometimes try and remember the girl, and I waver between feeling immense sorrow that I could not be her (that I failed), and a great deal of joy that she is no longer unhappy.

Being a woman, being a queer woman in this world often necessitates covering up any emotional weakness. I once tried explaining to my partner the difference between going out as a woman and going out as a man. As a woman, as a queer woman, protection and caution are vital parts of identity, especially in the queer world where misogyny and patriarchy still dictate so much of the entertainment scene. Women had to be twice as tough and swallow their pain.

Now, though. Now the pain and the tears are running rampant, and it's scary. The most mundane things can break me in two, leaving me without any strength to continue. The strangest thing about being in pieces on the floor is that eventually you have to get up and continue on your day. The question is simply for how long can you stay curled up bawling on the carpet? One hour...two? When you start trying to remember where the tissues are you begin to think the last hours were spent rather badly. Many transmen write about losing the ability to cry easily as they take hormones. I'm not on hormones so the analogy fails...but through my transition I have found my tears.


Samantha said...

Hi, Mik! It's Sammi from cross country. I just thought I'd let you know that I found your journal through facebook and that I've been reading for a little while now. I am terribly sorry to hear that your parents are not accepting of who you are and just wanted to let you know that my very religious grandma was eventually able to remember that this was her child she was hurting so badly and re-opened communication with my aunt, who went through a similar process. I hope your parents can remember, as well.

Mik Danger said...

Wow! Thanks for the support and for reading my blog. It means a lot to me. Also, congratulations on your marriage! Your dress was spectacular (saw the photos on facebook).