Monday, October 15, 2007

Bois with Intentional "i"s

Being with my partner marks the first time I have ever felt comfortable with my gender and sex while being intimate. I imagine that for someone cisexual what I'm about to write sounds crazy, but I've been reassured by transmen, transwomen, and genderqueer folk that this is actually quite normative for their experiences.* There is a way to have sex where I feel that my body is being touched and loved as if it was the body of a woman. Often, a queer butch woman's body. And that is beautiful, but it makes me uncomfortable as it's a role-playing game that I don't play well or ever want to play well. I'm not able to give specifics. The lips my partner kisses are the same lips that have been kissed before, there is no new "boi-ness" to them, yet when she touches them they feel as they have always wanted to feel. My eyes are the same eyes but when she looks into them I know she sees not only the boi inside me, but the boi on my outside, too. With my partner, I feel like a boi with an intentional "i", I don't feel like a man and again, I don't want to. I finally feel at-home in my body, even if there are still parts that surprise me when I see them or when I see people responding to them.

Being at-home in my body, and feeling so completely secure with my partner, I have begun a more aggressive push for transmale status. I have an uncomfortable level of fear at the moment, especially in regards to work. Uncomfortable because, as a performer, I'm used to levels of fear that are manageable - being afraid of fucking up a piece, not communicating a piece clearly, and even the fear that causes my legs to shake as I wait for the curtains to be drawn. This fear, however, is more tangible and is holding me back instead of the usual forward push I receive from my "artist fear". As I oh-so-casually correct people with some witty comment I can feel my legs shaking uncontrollably knowing that the smallest word of dissent or look of disgust would send me into tears. That acknowledged, I am delighted that this is happening. I had imagined living my life in Minnesota as a genderqueer woman, and I am excited that at least the last few months will be lived as a trannyboi.

*cisexual: someone whose subconscious gender identity matches their birth sex and their gendering

3 comments:

Morgan said...

I love you.

Anonymous said...

So you're in minnesota? Cool, so am I. I have a livejournal at http://ginaspider.livejournal.com

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